It works. I can start. But if I just fill this blank in with as many fillers as I can, this post won’t have to start right away and I can delay this strange open letter I’ve been meaning to write for the last 2 years.
I don’t know exactly how to start nor if there is some kind of structure you should follow but I’ve heard that many people do these things and they’re supposed to feel much better about this situation in the end. I’m hoping the same will happen with me. And I’m also writing this toward my ex-bf, as you might’ve understood from the title.
I’ve heard you got married. I saw the pictures. This sounds like an Adele song already and I promise it wasn’t on purpose. I know you probably have never even heard Adele before. I have been meaning to write this letter for a very long time. But I just couldn’t. I feel that when I put the pen down, this will definitely be over. You and me, no longer referred to together. Just you. And me. I’m sure nobody even talks about us in any way. After all, we haven’t had a relationship nor been in contact for the last 6 years. Has it been this long? 6 years… sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday you called me every day. That we Skyped for hours. And that I would travel all the way south to see you. For a few minutes. Or Olympic-runner hours. I always thought you would be here. I always thought I would have been at your wedding. Celebrating your life and welcoming her into our world. I always thought you would be here to see him. How happy I am now. And I would tell you how you helped fix all those tiny parts of me that needed fixing.
I imagine telling you he was born on the same day as you. Can you believe that? Exactly the same day. I know you’ll be rolling your eyes at this and I know, if you were here, you would lecture me about how horoscopes and star signs are bullsh*t and I shouldn’t lose my time with them. But I also know how happy you would be that I made the connection. Your old you. I don’t know this new you now. I wish I would, but I don’t.
The first few weeks you decided to leave my life, I was angry. I was so angry that you had decided to be rude and not beg for my affection like you always had. I thought it was just a matter of time until you would text me and everything would be right again. As the days went by, and the message never came, I felt hopeless. Where was my best friend? Why would he decide to leave me then? I thought uni had changed you. I know it always does but I never thought our friendship would change. When I started uni, a year before you, I was the same to you. Weren’t I? I called every day, I texted every hour and I was there for you. So why would you leave me when I most needed you?
Everything crumbled when you left. I had my first touch with depression. I became numb. For months… I was just living then. Breathing through day after day… waiting for you. And you never looked back. And of course my life continued. I went to school, sometimes. I started a relationship with someone who was there for me. I see now that there wasn’t passion, maybe not even love, but a good friendship between me and him. I don’t know if I was trying to replace you or just not think about you so often, but I guess it worked for a year. But I had so many people ask about you… and every time someone did, I would cry all night. I would be so angry at you again. Why did you have to leave!
I’m lost right now. I don’t know why I’m writing this letter to a ghost who will never bother to read it. I don’t know what I’m trying to tell you. If I miss you or if I’m ok now. If I want you back in my life or if I’m just wishing you a happy life. I think I’m still deciding in my head which side I’m on. Sometimes I miss you desperately, sometimes I don’t think about you at all.
Just a few weeks ago, somebody asked me about you again. It hadn’t happened in a very long time because I’m in a complete new place. Nobody knows you here, nobody knows about my previous life. But somebody I knew from that time, asked me about you. And with a heavy heart and small words, I had to tell this story again. And I just knew then, I needed to write this letter soon. I’ve been dwelling on this for far too long and I need to believe that he will not abandon me. That he will not be you. I told you you fixed tiny parts of me. And you did. But if I’m being honest, you also destroyed me. And no. It wasn’t any of them who did it. You always told me they weren’t good enough for me and that I shouldn’t waste time with them. That I was better. That I deserved more. So why did you leave!
I know I mistreated you. I blame myself half of the time. 90% of the time, actually. I didn’t give you enough. You were a part of me, always there, and I didn’t treasure you when I should have. I know that. I know it was my fault you left and I know I pushed you away. But didn’t you know that when I push, I’m crying inside asking, begging you to stay? I thought you knew.
So, here I am. 6 years late(r), a few words shot and I’m still deciding what to do. No. Not what to do. How to let go.