An introspection of past relationships πŸ’” – Part 1

Hi, catreaders! Welcome back to another post! And it IS the weekend again! How are you feeling? Do you have any plans? I’m celebrating my favourite portuguese holiday this weekend! Happy times! However, today I’d like to talk a little about some of my past relationships and how they’ve contributed to who I am today and my current relationship too. It’s a personal topic and I’m feeling a little vulnerable, but I think it’ll be worth it if I can help anyone with my words.

Relationships are hard, but they’re harder when you’re young and expect the best. I fell in love for the first time when I was just 12. I was shy, naΓ―ve, had good grades, behaved well, you know, the stereotype of a “good girl”. And you probably know where this will go: I fell in love with a stereotypical “bad boy”. I’m laughing at these words now because I know this was how everyone else saw us: exactly like this, the good and the bad. He was in my class and he first asked me out for coffee. (You may laugh at that!) I mean, we were 11 at this point. But that kind of sold it to me. He made me laugh, and I missed laughing so much. Not even a year later, I shoved insecurities aside and we began dating. Well, I said shoved but it was more like trying to push a ball towards the bottom of the pool: you struggle and hold it for some time and any movement from around you will make the ball jump right out. That was me and my insecurities back then. But you know, for 3 years I was happy. He made me feel very safe, he made me feel loved, and he made me believe in a bright, long-lasting future. Until he didn’t.Β I was 15 by then, turning 16, when he made my world crash around me. He told me he had fallen in love with his best friend.Β 

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People usually say you can’t blame others for your actions, but I blame him for what happened in my life the years after he dumped me. I totally blame him. He had made me believe in a future, which I didn’t even think about before I met him. He truly made me feel safe. He protected me from everything and everyone. I had it all planned in my head: our wedding, our children, our future. Him as a professional footballer, me as a teacher. I even thought about moving to the capital for him, for us. Can you imagine a 15-year-old being shown how unfair the world is? For the f*cking 3rd time in 8 years! I was livid! I was sad, first. I made a fool of myself for a few months, giving him homemade gifts every other day, showing up at his house, begging him not to leave. When I finally gave up, I was angry at the world again. For taking away from me yet another person. And a person who made me fall and strip away of my-self, who made me fight every and any one, who made me want to prove every one we would stand strong. So, I blame him for the next couple of years. I blame him for what I turned into the next couple of years. But even though I know it was because of him, I also thank him for everything he taught me.

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You see, from this relationship, I learnt that I was strong. Oh, I was stronger than I thought. I learnt that I’d survive any bullsh*t the world would throw at me later on. I learnt that I needed someone who would be there for me, who would help me, who would make me a better person. But I didn’t need someone who would make me question myself, my decisions, who would make me forget of who I was or what I wanted to be. I learnt that I wanted someone who would fight alongside me, hell!, someone who would make peace with me!

I thank him now. He made me laugh. He brought back laughter into my life. But he also made me cry. And I also learnt that if you cry more than you laugh, it’s not the end yet. Your story has a new chapter to be written. And if you’re wondering, I wish him all the best. I hope he learnt from our relationship as much as I did. He’s happy, I know it because we sometimes talk. He was just the first piece of my puzzle. He added something to my life (and took some) but remember what I said before, a new chapter was still in the making for me.

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I decided to divide this post into a few parts once I started writing it because I realised I’d have so much more to say that it would be a very long one! I also went through a little roller-coaster when writing about my first relationship, so I need a little break after this one. But hey!, I have a mini-series now and will write the part 2 next week! If you found this any interesting (or helpful?) come back next week for a new one! ☺️ And as always, if you’d like to comment on this, please do it down below! I’d love to hear from you! See you all next week! Have a great weekend!

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Post photo by Shea Rouda on Unsplash

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